Okay, rage yoga. Like yoga, but angrier. As a man who has spent 24 years in Massachusetts I feel like I should be able to get behind this idea. I live in a town that’s won 12 championships since 2001 and we’re still bitching about the Celtics mid season struggles. Just the other night I shoveled the driveway and when I got to the end I turned around and the snow had already reaccumulated, so I dropped a few choice words into my scarf.
Anyway, rage yoga. Basically you do yoga and drink while ripping off a few F-bombs. I took a Yoga class in college (A- not a big deal) with a few hockey buddies and it was great. But rage yoga? Is it possible to be more 2019?
It’s a concept that should’ve stayed a concept. We all have that buddy who has a new Shark Tank idea. You’ve had a good night. He pre-gamed this Saturday with a $16 4-pack of bitter IPAs from the local brewery and is decked out in his finest Patagonia apparel. You all struck out at the bar and now you’re in your Uber home after being overserved at Toby Keith’s I love This Bar at Patriot Place a few casual drinks while watching a live country band, and he’s got the googly eyes going. “Dude listen just hear me out. I was at yoga the other day after our half day of work, we get every other Wednesday half days it’s super chill, and I was wicked angry bro like real upset cuz the guy at Dunkins messed up my coffee again. So I’m like real mad and I just wanted to swear. Then it hit me bro, I’ll start a yoga company, but, stay with me here, we swear the whole time. On top of that I was going through a killer hangover from Taco Tuesday so I thought how do I make it even better? Boom, we drink after downward dog”.
My point here is this is beyond unnecessary. The instructor says “we all have been holding on to a F-bomb for a little bit too long”. We have? You have? Why? What are you hanging onto it for? I can’t drive more than 3 miles without letting the guy with Connecticut plates know he needs to head back home. Do you not have a job? If you don’t release a swear or 6 after every customer interaction you deserve a Nobel Peace Prize.
How about the beer drinking part? If you’ve ever done yoga you know it’s wildly uncomfortable. The cute little 5’3″ instructor is up front bending like gumby while I’m in the back row struggle to reach my toes. She tries guiding me through the God damn scorpion pose and asks why I can’t relax my muscles and bend over backwards (literally). I don’t know Debra maybe it’s because I’m a 6 foot tall, 200lb piece of shit who stops at McDonalds after work then grabs a $5 pitcher of beer for myself at the bar afterwards. Now on top of that you want me to drink beer during Warrior 1 pose?
If you’ve seen any of my Instagram posts from 2016 at the local college watering hole you can see I’m quite bloated and clutching onto a Miller High Life. That doesn’t seem like a good mix with a highly stressful, stress relieving workout.
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