Awful headline, don’t yell at me. I’m tired, my blood sugar is a little low, and my dog is looking at me with her snoozy eyes as I flip from the Vegas/Colorado hockey game (manly) to 13 Going on 30 on Freeform (not manly).
The Boston Bruins just dismantled the shell of the New York Rangers behind a hat trick from Pastrnak who had a 5 point night and a goal from Jake DeBrusk, the saving grace from that 2015 draft. I expect them both to combine for about 136 goals and 278 points in the postseason. Call your bookie and lean the house on those numbers.
This blog isn’t about them though. It’s about Kyrie Irving and the Boston Celtics. The Red Sox kicked off this sports cycle by winning the World Series in October. Tom Brady and co. added another super bowl to the trophy case in February. The Bruins are going 16-0 in the playoffs and should probably just start printing the T-shirts and planning the parade route right now (lol. Like Boston still needs to “plan” our parade routes. Just dust off the last one from a few months ago. Might as well just leave the barriers up year round and save taxpayer money).
But I’m telling you right now, if the Celtics fuck up this major sports championship sweep I’m going to burn each and every member of that team’s house down. Every player, coach, front office member, trainer, scout, equipment manager, and massage therapist will see all of their possessions, family photos, and clothing burn in a fiery blaze fueled by my disgust. I’m burning down their house. I’m burning down their parent’s house. I’m burning down their dog house.*
It’s hard to get excited about too much in this city nowadays. I mean not really, winning is awesome, but the storylines are what feed the geese here. David Price becoming a cult hero, Tom Brady rising from the ashes like a Phoenix, Brad Marchand scoring in game 7 overtime against the historically great Tampa Bay Lightning en route to a 7th Stanley Cup for the black and gold. Now I need the Celtics to pull their weight because going 4/4 in major championships in the same year would be the ultimate cherry on top of an unprecedented 2 decade run of dominance. I’m sweating just thinking about the ESPY’s hosted by whichever C-list actor they offer $600 and a 2 for 1 voucher at the Red Lobster announcing “Best Championship Performance” and it being littered with Boston jerseys and a tennis player who won whatever tournament people who don’t watch cool sports care about.
Do not fuck this up, Celtics. Don’t make me take your homes from you.
*Of course I wouldn’t actually do this. Seriously? You think I’d burn the dog’s house down? I would never betray my four legged fury friends like that. The good boys and girls don’t need to pay for their shit ass basketball Dad’s underachievement. The dogs are safe. Their little homes are safe. Still serious about their owners place of residence though.
The Locker Room 