Big weekend for the Stark’s. Backs against the wall. Humanity is at the risk of being completely wiped out. Our favorite Stark’s from the last decade are at risk of never waking up again and tweeting “ugh, Monday’s are the worst” or instagramming their Starbucks labeled “Starc” with the caption “lol they never get this right but this coffee is much needed on this hard Monday”. So who do we think will make it through this late April weekend? Let’s take a look.
Here’s your warning. If you’re not caught up do not keep reading. I repeat, stop reading. Still reading? I appreciate your loyalty but this is your last warning, there are spoilers ahead. If this is where you hop off, thank you for your time. Here’s a fun little gif for your click
Okay. You’re still here. Let’s get rockin.
Sansa Stark:
Sansa has had a huge turnaround the past two seasons or so. She’s gone through hell and back with the Lannister’s, the Bolton’s, and Littlefinger breathing down her neck. Many have regarded her as the most intelligent person on the show. I’m not really sure where that narrative comes from. Sure she got the Knights of the Vale to help win the Battle of the Bastards, but anyone with a brain knows they needed more help. Credit to her to making it happen I guess. I’m still holding her like 5 seasons or so of being a spoiled little brat against her. If you watched that first gif and didn’t cringe you too are likely a spoiled little brat. Regardless, I think she makes it through the weekend. She’s an important piece and if you’ve paid attention to the bender that Sophie Turner has been on since the premiere I’d say her character is safe. She’s in way too good a mood and has drank far too many fermented grapes for her character to get waxed this early.
Sansa Stark – Safe
Bran Stark:
I pray, on hands and knees, to the old gods and the new, that the Branwagon falls this Sunday night. He’s a sitting duck, by design, but a sitting duck nonetheless. The Night King wants him dead. Jamie probably wants him dead. I want him dead. For the love of god I think Jon Snow might want him dead because he was totally cool with having fucking Reek Theon Greyjoy as the last line of defense for our creepy ass cripple. Ya, the dickless coward who has proved every single episode how useless his is as a warrior is going to protect the Three Eyed Raven against the most badass killer this world has ever seen. Sure. Sick strategy.
Bran – probably safe despite everything I just said. If the Three Eyed Raven truly is as important to humanity as we’ve been lead to believe I suppose he’ll have to stick around.
Arya Stark:
Our not so little Arya Stark has come such a long way. She’s endured so much in her long journey. She watched her father’s beheading. She was right outside of the Red Wedding. She reached the Vale of Arryn to meet her sister about 2 hours after Sansa left with Littlefinger. She went through the struggle of becoming a faceless man. Then, despite every card in Westeros being stacked against her, she became a cold blooded killer and reunited with her remaining family back home in Winterfell.
That’s where her story is going to end. Arya is SO dead. She’s so ruthless and crafty I can only believe the GOT writers will rip her right out of our hearts as they have time and time again. She made it home. She got that blacksmith pipe. She has a fancy new weapon that is supposed to kill the Night King. And for all those reasons
Arya Stark – your watch has ended.
Jon Snow/Jon Stark/Aegon Targaryen:
Our fearless King in the North. Our most honorable character in Westeros. Our true heir to the Iron Throne. Our terrible military mind.
I love Jon Snow. I expect him to take his rightful seat on the throne in late May. I hope he beats back the dead army and holds Winterfell. I hope he and his aunt continue their relationship as if they didn’t learn they share the same bloodline. I hope he doesn’t fuck this battle up like he seems to do every single time a Stark’s back is up against the wall.
I’d be shocked if Jon gets the curtain call this week. You’d have to call in the Ashland DPW to scrape my jaw off the ground if he falls. I know it would be a bit corny for him to win but the heart wants what the heart wants.
Jon Snow/Jon Stark/Aegon Targaryen – Safe
Ghost Stark:
Ghost is the last of the Stark Direwolves left. I know Arya’s wolf Nymeria is still out there but she doesn’t roll with the Stark’s anymore. If I see another Direwolf get slaughtered I think I might be out* on GOT. That would be it for me. You’re just going to slaughter another adorable pupper deadly wolf? Don’t do that to me. Don’t do that to us. Don’t do that to Ghost. He’s a very good boy and deserves to see another summer in Westeros.
Ghost – better be safe
And last but not least, maybe the most important Stark of all…..
Tony Stark:
I wanted to cry for Tony Stark at the end of Infinity War. His plan to rip the glove off of Thanos was working, only for skinny Chris Pratt to fuck it all up with his selfishness. Then he watched all his friends and a very young Spider-Man turn to dust, leaving him stranded on a foreign planet. Speaking of, the first trailer left us with the impression Tony may not make it out of space. It was really dark and dreary and gave me the impression Ironman was maybe done for.
Now he’s back on earth with all the other Avengers in all the new commercials. The fuck Marvel? Give me at least a little bit of doubt that he lives. Maybe something happened in Captain Marvel, which I am certainly not going to see before I watch Endgame, that perfectly explains how he got back. Either way I don’t like it.
As tough as the end of Infinity War was, I assume Marvel will wrap this up with a nice shiny red bow where they use the time-stone to go back in time and save everyone in order to appease their massive 6-15 age demographic.
Tony Stark – safe as shit.
*I won’t stop watching just because they kill the last Direwolf, but HBO can expect a slew of angry tweets from @T_Ry25_ if they pull a stunt like that. Mark my words.
PS- everyone in the Crypts is sooooooo fucked. So so fucked. Imagine thinking the safest place to be while fighting an army of the dead, who’s leaders can raise the dead to fight for them, is in a massive tomb of heavily weaponed deceased warriors?
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