The Battle of Winterfell Was Everything it Was Supposed to Be

Before we get going, obviously this is filled with spoilers. If you clicked on this blog and didn’t expect spoilers well here’s your warning idiot.

The Battle of Winterfell was everything it was cracked up to be. That episode was bananas. There’s hardos out there trying to act like that episode stunk and I have no time for them. I was pretty much dying the entire episode. You know when you eat too much pizza or Chinese food and your body feels like it would pop if someone poked you with a pin? That’s how I felt to start the episode. Then with each passing minute and the HBO writers steadily turning up the anxiety meter, I felt like I was flat on my back with people stacking slabs of concrete on my chest until I ran out of air. You could say I enjoyed myself this episode.

-The Dothraki may be the most overrated group of people of all time. They’re supposed to be this badass group of warriors that rape and pillage everything in their way and like 8,000 of them were wiped out in about 10 seconds. Fire swords be damned they were the biggest letdown since Virginia basketball in 2018.

-To all the twitter dorks complaining that the episode was too dark so they couldn’t see anything, I don’t know guys. Buy a better tv. Turn the lights off. You couldn’t see? That’s a you problem.

-The fire moat that was built around Winterfell was the least effective defense of all time. What the hell was that? It was 5 feet deep tops and took 7 walkers to render completely useless. I guess that’s what happens when Jon Snow leaves his Blackboard assignment for the night of the biggest battle of all time.

-RIP Lady Mormont. My fearless Giant Slayer went down in the most badass way possible. She gets absolutely tossed by the giant and kept on going. We’ve seen grown men, soldiers, who didn’t get up from the giant’s bitch slap. Not Lady Mormont. She just pops up and cyclopeses his ass. Pour one out for Lady Mormont tonight, tomorrow, and every day until you lay to rest.

-I’ll admit I couldn’t keep track of the dragons. I thought the ice dragon died. Then I thought Jon’s dragon died. Then I though both of them died. Turns out only the ice dragon died since there’s two dragons in the preview for next week’s episode. Weird.

-Speaking of dragons, Danny and Jon did a terrible job utilizing them. Shocker, Jon did poorly in a battle sequence. They flew around in a snowstorm for about 35 minutes. They didn’t burn up anywhere near enough of the dead army either. Their biggest strength is that little thing where they BREATHE FIRE. Y’kmow, the thing you need to do to kill undead soldiers, light them on fire? I heard two “Drakaris” calls all episode. Not good enough.

-The Night King was awesome this episode. His little smirk when Danny lit his ass up and he didn’t even break a sweat was so cocky you have no choice but to respect it. Then he smirks again when he raised all the dead around Jon Snow, who somehow found his way out of that disaster as well. I do wish we got a sword battle between Jon and the Night King. I would’ve loved to see those two go toe to toe but I guess we’ll never know.

-I was actually sad about Theon. Really didn’t see that coming. If you read my last Thrones blog you know I think putting the dickless coward as the last line of defense was a death wish. Turns out Reek was straight up snappin necks and cashin checks protecting Bran. Then of course he had the worst kill attempt of all time running directly at the Night King from 25 yards away with a shit ass wooden spear. The Night King shut down that attempt easier than a dad play fighting with his toddler. RIP Theon I guess. Thanks for being the most infuriating character these past 8 seasons.

-My heart was out for Ghost. He sprinted dead ahead witht the Dothraki and was never seen from again this episode. Again, he is seen in next week’s previews so my good boy seems to be safe. HBO would’ve gotten an earful from yours truly had he not made it out of this.

-I was so right about the crypt. Huge credit to me. Those stupid idiots thought the safest place to be during the fight against the dead was with a bunch of dead people. Egg on their face I guess. And that little girl who wanted to stand outside with all the soldiers and fight off the dead? Well what a bust she was. Terrible job protecting the crypt. I’d expect the North to let her walk in free agency this summer.

-I nearly lost it when Sansa and Tyrion held hands and braced to go face the destruction in the crypt. That really seemed like their curtain call. The ex husband ready to redeem himself for all his shortcomings (ha!) during his marriage to the young princess. Your boy had to do everything he could to keep the tears in.

-Arya. Fucking. Stark. What a badass. I had her dead going into this week’s episode and I couldn’t have been more wrong. It takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong so again, credit to me. Her scene in the book room with all the dead guys searching for her was one I think a lot of people must have missed. She was waltzing around that room with deafening silence. Then, when the time came for her to sneak up on the Night King, everyone lost their minds screaming “WaIt HoW dId ShE sNeAk PaSt EvErYoNe LiKe ThAt???”. Pay attention one time for me.

-Bran. Oh Bran. What an asshole huh? Ya ya I know his plan worked perfectly. I know he put the dagger in Arya’s hands which was a scouting move straight out of Bill Belichick’s office. But dude didn’t do anything the entire battle. The battle starts and he wargs right out. Flys a few crows right past the Night King and then what? Did he just fly around for the next 50 minutes? God I hate him.

-There was a little something left to be desired with the Night King and the army of the dead. We got zero answers on him or his motivations. We have no idea why they make those big spirals out of body parts. We don’t have a clear picture as to what he wanted. Had he killed Bran would they have marched back North of the wall? Would they keep going South to crush King’s Landing? Would they figure out how to sail and destroy the Iron Islands too? We won’t know and I think I’m okay with that. What made the Night King so fascinating is that we barely saw him and we didn’t know what his deal was, other than that he was the leader of the greatest killing machine the world had ever seen. HBO approved a prequel series and I bet you that’s where we get some information.

-I’m sick of this notion that no one important died. Lady Mormont, Ed, Jorah, and oh THE NIGHT KING. Jorah has been there since day 1. Ed has been with Jon since Jon first got to the wall. Lady Mormont was the heart and soul of the North and acted as the glue to keep everything together when Jon took back Winterfell. Those are some pretty big ones I’d say. Plus, if you just whack Jamie, Danny, Jon, Arya, Sansa, Tyrion, and Ghost you’ve really narrowed down the choices for who sits on the Iron Throne.

-I will say I wish someone like Brienne died. I don’t see where her story arc furthers from here on out. Maybe she becomes the first lady to lead the King’s watch or something in the last episode but who really cares. She already broke the barrier with getting knighted. That was a perfect funeral for her.

-There’s still some question marks with some of the characters. We didn’t get to see a lot of them after the dead fell. Tormond, Greyworm, Ghost, Pod, and Gendry are all missing to an extent. I can’t imagine they’d open next week with one of them just being dead. How anticlimactic would that be.

-Samwell Tarly can march back to the wall as far as I’m concerned. Complete liability out there. Ed died trying to stand his ass up. He lost his weapon on 4 separate occasions. He looked like he was being feasted on for half the episode. You’re not a warrior Sam. You killed a walker a long time ago by stabbing him in the back, a cowardly act. Stop acting like you’re some great swordsman. He should’ve been in the crypt protecting his mind like every other man down there. Maybe he would have had a shot killing some of those super old dead soldiers.

And that’s it. What an episode. Now the real battle against Cersie begins. It will be interesting to see how Jon and Danny get ready for that one. It looks like they don’t have much of an army anymore. Their dragons are wounded. It will be interesting to see if Arya can stay humble or if killing the Night King goes to her head. Then of course we have the whole aunt/nephew thing to figure out with Danny and Jon. That’s gonna be an awkward convo. Can’t wait for next week.