The Blues wrapped up the Western Conference Finals last night with a 5-1 ass kicking over the San Jose Sharks. The Boston Bruins will be waiting to host the Blues on Memorial Day at home to open the Stanley Cup Final. Some are calling this a boring matchup because who cares about the Blues. I’ll agree, there isn’t a whole lot of bad blood between these two teams. However, you’ll remember there wasn’t a whole lot of history versus the Canucks in 2011 and now you wont find a single child in the greater Boston area with the name Maxim, Roberto, or Henrik. If you’re struggling to find a reason to hate the Blues, please, allow me to provide you with a few reasons.
- Their Goal Song
Jeeeeeeesus Christ St. Louis. What the hell is that? Okay you blow your horn. I give the horn a 6/10. Not terrible but nothing special. After that? The Saints Go Marching In on an organ? Wtf? Did Drew Brees just throw a touchdown pass? Am I in New Orleans? Nope. The Blues, a hockey team in the Midwest, scored a goal. So weird. Then they transition into this little rock diddy with a whole bunch of “ohhhhhhhh”s and a weak “Lets Go Blues” chant. Scoring a goal is supposed to be a moment of celebration but the Blues make me want to clog my ears with cotton balls instead.
2. Pam Beesley
Pam here gives the word “cringeworthy” a whoooooole new definition. Man that was bad. Almost as bad as the show she starred in (I understand I’m in the minority on that one. You can thank my roommates spring semester of 2016 for blasting the theme song and waking me up every half our in the wee hours of the morning). Who was that video targeted towards? Was that supposed to fire people up? Make people laugh? Or simply go viral on twitter because the homewrecker who failed out of art school in The Office is in a Blues jersey? Dumb. Boom, roasted.
3. David Perron has had 3 separate stints with the Blues
David, give it up buddy. This is just sad to see. The St. Louis Blues are the beautiful coed that dated Dave back in freshman year of college. They had amazing chemistry and she was his first. A very special person David will never forget. But then, suddenly, she left him for the sexy up and coming guy in her Art History class.
David was crushed. He progressively became a shell of himself. He’d routinely forget to shower, miss appointments at work, blow off his friends, and go days on end without brushing his teeth. Then, one day, seemingly out of the blue(s), she came back. She missed him. She was in empty relationships that were wild and free but unfulfilling. So she took him back. It was a nice stretch from October to April. David was back to taking care of his body and started prioritizing his life again. Sadly, she left him again. She hoped they could replicate what they had those early years in school, but she felt she was chasing something that wasn’t there anymore. She changed her Instagram bio to “Let Go of the Past and the Past Will Let Go of You” and dyed her hair bleach blonde for the summer.
David was angry and left for the City of Sin to concentrate on himself. He had lots of fun, lots of late nights, even reached the negotiation table for the largest merger bid in his company’s history. Unfortunately, he and his coworkers dropped the ball in the final meetings and they were beaten out by a group of frat boys out of Washington D.C.
It was a low point for David. He turned headed home after being fired hopeless and alone. One night, out at his local Dairy Queen, a friendly voice spoke up from behind him. “Banana split with mint chocolate ice cream, 2 spoons?”. David knew who was behind him. That’s what David and Louise would order at the local farm stand sophomore year. And there she was, with a 4 year contract in one hand and their ice cream in the other.
If David wants to keep going back to the ex that is clearly manipulating him and using him as a pogostick until someone new with a tighter six pack and more chiseled jawline comes along, then so be it. I can only hope he wakes up one day and realizes how ridiculous and desperate he looks.
4. David Backes
David Backes played for the Blues for a decade, captaining them for 6 of those seasons. You could count on Backes for 20-30 goals every year as well as a hard nosed style of play and a leader to answer to in the locker room. He gave his heart and soul to that city. How did they thank him? By kicking him to the curb in 2015. From their, the Boston Bruins took it upon themselves to play superhero and give Backes the 5 year, $30 million deal the Blues told him to shove up his ass. Now, David has continued his role as leader in the Bruins locker room. His role on the ice has changed though. He is no longer a major goal scorer, so he decided to become the team’s enforcer (odd decision for a guy whos brain closely resembles Market Basket applesauce) and provide timely scoring when needed. Why St. Louis decided they didn’t need a man like that is beyond me, but I sure am glad to have him in black and gold.
5. Laila Anderson
Just kidding. I bawled my eyes out like crazy when I first saw Laila get the news that she’d get to go to a playoff game. Awesome story and I hope she’ll be there again this series.
So there you have it. If you needed a few things to get you all riled up at your desk during work before this series gets going I’m glad I could provide a little something.
The Locker Room 